


Not Okay

by orphan_account



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Abandonment Issues, BPD, Dpd, F/F, Female Reader, I HAD TO CHANGE THE RELATIONSHIP TAG BECAUSE AO3 THOUGHT I MEANT PEARL FROM POKEMON, Kinda, Mute Reader, Selective Mute Reader, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Social Anxiety, harold..., lesbian reader, mentally ill lesbians, pearl is a lesbian, selective mutism, shy reader, sorry lmao, they're lesbians...
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-20
Updated: 2016-03-20
Packaged: 2018-05-27 21:21:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6300862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You were never one to talk much, but you had so much to say, so much passion. It was such a waste, but you were happy-ish. Your friends all abandoned you? That's okay, you didn't like having friends anyway. Family outcast? At least they pretend you're not (ignore that fact that you are) gay. Severe depression and life-altering selective mutism? At least you were still alive. You were okay, but were you ever really?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Okay

I was never really one for forming meaningless crushes. I would never sit there and try to make myself love someone ever again. It was easier after her, to know I didn't have to lie to myself, to pretend that men made me feel anything at all. This girl, she showed me what being in love should feel like, and I'd never felt anything like it before. It was... an emotional rollercoaster, to say the least. We were only in middle school. Love was painful. I cried many nights over her. I wanted her badly, wanted badly to be with her. She broke my heart countless times, but it was okay. She changed me in so many ways, and I'm grateful for that. 

I remember being excited about bringing my Valentine's Day present for her. I was so excited to see her smile, and to be the cause of her happiness. I was excited for her to appreciate me. I thrived on her approval, and I needed reassurance that she liked me as much as I liked her, as much as I knew that to be impossible. I felt immense jealousy when she would leave me to talk to her other, louder, more interesting friends. But she called me her best friend. My emotions about her were always intense, whether they were positive or negative. She and I shared chocolate that day, and I went home with cute pink heart stickers all over my face. I felt warm, for a while. It was nice, having a crush this big. When I got home that day, I went to my bed and cried myself to sleep.

I wasn't always thinking positively about her. In a class we had assigned seats, she'd asked the teacher to move seats, away from me, to be with her other newer friends. That stung for a while. Weeks. It was painful, even if short-lived. I felt... replaced. I hated her. I tried to seem distant or upset, so she'd comfort me. She didn't. But when she still bothered to talk to me, I couldn't help but be happy with that. It was all okay again.

Things like that happened a lot, but we were fine. I was okay. She either didn't know I was hurt, or she didn't care. I tried to stop liking her over the summer, with some serious thinking. I cried so much at the end of the school year, and I cried more at the beginning of the next one. I loved her so much, it hurt. I was still only a kid!

We were friends a couple years after that whole mess. But soon, my parents decided to move. We talked a bit after that, and we shared some pretty personal things, maybe because we knew it didn't matter. We wouldn't see each other again anyways, so what's the harm? But something was missing and eventually, I watched, helpless, as we slowly drifted away... We texted often, then our texts were spread out months, and then it stopped. I tried again. I said we should meet up soon, catch up. She agreed! We never spoke again. I had dreams where we still talked.

That was the end of a great friendship, and my heart didn't ache any less today. I don't regret anything, to tell you the truth. I guess, the point is, she's the one girl that showed me what a crush was actually _supposed_ to feel like.

And with my crushes on boys.... I realized they were never crushes at all. Just my impressionable little soul trying to fixate onto something, I guess. It was sad how I had to figure it out, but that's okay. I'm glad I did.

It took a while after that to realize what I was, even with falling in love with a girl. I didn't utter the word "lesbian" in reference to myself until I was fifteen, two years after the crush had started. But that was actually early compared to most lesbians I guess. I suppose I was lucky. Now I can actually pinpoint the exact reason I feel disconnected with everyone else my age. Still, it made me upset.

Throughout my entire high school life I felt gross hearing the word out loud, and if I had to, I would say gay instead. Never the other variation, at least not out loud. It made me feel less pure. I wanted to be _cute_ and _innocent_ , as silly as that may be. The word lesbian just ruined the perfect image of who I wanted to be. I wanted to be pure.

It's still hard. I crave affection, and that's hard to receive when you're a mentally ill lesbian who can't contribute to a conversation. 

I already can't meet people because I'm too shy. And if I ever was lucky enough to find someone that wanted someone like me, it wouldn't be another woman.

Life is hard.

And with the stress of school, I was a complete mess. After high school, I was glad to have some time to myself. College seemed.. scary, and it's good to have time to think before jumping into all that. It made me feel inadequate though, to not be ready for all that. It's just too stressful. 

That's why I'm fine here, in Beach City. Working minimum wage in a donut shop. I'm fine. This is fine. 

"Oh, ____! Uh, I'm heading out to get some supplies. You okay working the shop by yourself?" Sadie asked. 

I nodded, and did what I hope was at least kind of a smile. Looking in a mirror, I realize it was just an awkward lip twitch.

Nice.

"Thanks a lot, ____! I'll be back soon." She smiled and waved. I nodded in reply, but that was a failure too. Too slight to have noticed.

Everyone thinks you're just being rude. 

The door rang as she left.

Sigh. What would I do when a customer came in?! Lose money, and my good reputation, that's what. 

I'd only been working here for a week! Oh, God. Please let this work out. 

The door chimes once more. And then again. 

/I don't deserve this. I'm a good person./

"Hah-huh, h-h," I started. It was impossible to continue. The customer was Steven Universe, a very nice kid from what I've heard, but his weird family could be really... intimidating. 

They were all really scary and looked like models.

I looked down at the cash register in shame, heat rising to my face in an instant. I can feel the room caving in on me, and it feels like a furnace. I need to get out...

What great customer service. 

Not dealing with words today, I stared at the counter and gave an "mmm" sound.

"Two jelly donuts, please!" Steven exclaimed, not weirded out by my strange behavior. He probably just thinks I'm a weird person? I... can live with that, I guess. He's nice. Maybe even comforting.

I silently grabbed two donuts and bagged it. I dared to look up, and instantly met a plump purple face. My heart jolted. She was pretty.

"Noooo, I want one of _those_! And that, too! Wait, I want five of these, aaarhhgg," And there was the pleasant sound of her face slamming against the display glass. 

Ugh, that's... charming. Reminder to thoroughly clean the glass again after this.

But.... she was really cute...

"Amethyst! Garnet said only two!" He had to swat her away as she charged him, shouting (gurgling?) various fake threatening things. 

Hands clutched to my phone, I watched the scene cautiously. "Garnet" stood off to the side, crossed arms and all. She was leaned against a wall, not doing anything in particular. I-is she sleeping like that?

Respect.

Not able to do anything, I opted for staring like a complete idiot at Garnet's great, strong, legs. 

They could kill me... I mean, it's not exactly a bad way to go.

No idea how many minutes had passed, a loud slam was heard on the front counter. 

Garnet slammed some money down, nodded her thanks, and left. 

"Thanks, ____!" Steven said, waving. I waved back, in a way. I half-way put my hand in the air, stiffly. I think it translated well.

I... did it! That was kind of a success, right?

Who am I kidding. I am... such a joke.

I slumped over the counter, feeling so very inadequate.

She never even acknowledged you were there... 

I sighed, and went deeper into the safety of my folded arms.

Nice going, dingus. You had to go mess up your life with feeling things.


End file.
